Letter 11: Looking back on this year

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I know I've written to you a lot about how much 2013 sucked for me. But it wasn't all bad. It was actually one of the funnest years I've had. I mean I'm 19. I can go where ever I like, drink what I like and party. I Got a job which I love and I'm studying what I love. I've faced a lot of experiences this year that have forced  me to understand some things and learn from them.

I was going to get into every little experience, but that's ganna take the fun out for you when you get here. Just know that everything that happens to you, good and bad has a reason. You're meant to learn from everything that happens. Nothing is in vain. Knowing this doesn't make the bad times better, but it sure as hell makes it easier. The only way out is through. And once you make it through...You're going to look back at the year and realise how far you've come.

That's what I'm doing now. And I'm proud of myself. I thought I'd never survive losing the guy I loved. But I did. And here I am. Stronger and ready for whatever life has for me next.

You're strong. And you're independent. You don't need anyone else to drive you, you're self driven, and that's whats going to get you through the worst times of your life.

Keep your friends close though. I mean it. You're going to need those guys when you get older. They're literally the foundation that keeps you steady when all you want to do is fall to the ground.

You've got a lot of living ahead of you the next few years. But I'll tell you a secret.

You survive.
Because you're a survivor.

Just keep looking forward and keep your eye on the prize.

Merry Christmas and Happy New year

Yours,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 10: Dreams are important

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I remember when I was your age, young and really confused about where my future would be going...I  always dreamed of being a singer and performing all over the world, but I also always thought I'd go to University and study something like Accounting or something that guaranteed an income, you know?

I always put it off though, not making a proper decision in high school, but eventually in matric, I had to make a decision about my future. I had gotten into UCT and into The Waterfront Theatre School. UCT was were all my friends were going. WTS would be myself and two other people from high school, but I would have gotten an opportunity to do what I love everyday...Sing, dance and act in one place. So I decided to choose WTS.

It's been a year now since I've left high school and started the next phase of my life as a student. And All I can tell you is, it's been challenging...I've had my passion tested and attacked day after day. But at the end of the year all I can say is, I have no regrets. Because despite the sore and painful nights I've spent trying to massage my muscles after dance classes or nights I drank nothing but rooibos tea in hopes that my voice would be okay for my assessment in the morning, I loved what I was doing and that has made all the difference. I haven't wanted to give up once, when I got knocked down, I found a way to get around it and to make it work for me.

My point is, if you love something, the amount of effort and work it takes to get it wont affect you. Loving something and being passionate about what you're doing everyday is all that really matters. Sure I understand the whole "You cant make money in performing" argument, but from what I've seen, if you're absolutely passionate about something, it will show in your performance and the money will come.

I'm not saying you should drop everything you've got going on to chase the dream...but I do believe we owe it to ourselves to try. If you believe with every fiber in your body that you can succeed, you're probably right.

Go get them dreams, 16 Year Old me.
It'll be worth it, I promise you.

Love,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 9: Prepare yourself

Dear 16 year old self,

Prepare yourself. You think high school is hard...? Life after high school is hell.

Don't get me wrong its great to finally be doing what I wanna do and to be going in the direction I wanna be going... But the amount of challenges I've went through this year have broken me down to a point where I didn't even know what was up or down anymore.

Okay maybe everyone else had a good year and that's cool. But I'm preparing you, 16 year old me, because the minute you kiss high school goodbye, your whole world gets turned upside down.

Your year starts off with a break up from your boyfriend of almost 3 years, you're then thrust into a completely new environment with new people and have to learn how to make friends (and I just need to add you're not very good at that, but I'll save that for my next letter), all your high school friends went to UCT so u never see them and are often left out and slowly but surely, your number of friends start to deteriorate.

I'm not going to go in depth regarding the things that went wrong for me this year. That's your future to figure out what I am going to share with you is what I've learned from this year. Because as hard as 2013 was, I came out stronger on the other side because I learned the following:
1. I am my own best friend. You cannot trust anyone to always be there no matter how many times they say they will be... When you're down and under, finding good friends is hard and nearly impossible. People are too consumed in their own problems and lives to notice your cries for help. I learned that I needed to be my own hero. I was the only one who could save me when I was down.
2. Just because something is hard doesn't mean its not worth it. Its actually the opposite. The harder u work for something the more it is worth. There were times I just wanted to give up this year because I felt like I was getting nowhere. You literally have to keep yourself motivated all the time. No one will do it for u.
3. Believe in yourself. Chase your dreams, don't second guess them. You're capable of more than u can imagine.
4. People come into your life for one of two reasons: they're  either a blessing or a lesson. Its figuring out which one is which that's hard.
5. Live a little. Try new things, hang out with new people. Make new friends. Everyone else around u is moving on with life, eventually u have to do the same instead of chasing doomed friendships.
6. Failure is not an option. No matter what, you're going to win. You might get knocked down a few times, but its the fact that u get up that's worth it. Always get up.
7. Appreciate the people who love u enough to tell u when they're mad or hurt. Who are there when you're at your worst. The girl who holds your hair back while u throw up and cry in the bathroom stalls at a club. Do not take them for granted. Good friends are so hard to find.
8. Don't take anything for granted. You don't know what you've got till its gone.

Those are just some of the things this year has taught me. I could go on for days... But I'm falling asleep as I type this. So I guess you'll have to wait a few years and find out for yourself.

Enjoy life while its still simple 16 year old Nadine. Cause in 3 years, you're gana witness a whole new side of crazy. But u know what, you're a survivor. And it takes more than a year full of obstacles to keep u down. Just hold ur head up kid, keep your eye on the prize. You're going to make it.

Yours,
19 year old Nadine.

Letter 8: Love like you've never been hurt

Dear 16 year old self,
last week for drama class I worked with a close friend on our term project. We had to create our own piece of theatre. We decided to use Love as our theme. Love found and love lost...and how to deal with it... I wrote a piece which one of my fellow students performed as part of our project. We managed to get our teacher to tears, so I'm hoping it will get the message through to you too.

Maybe I'll post the video of the performance later. It was basically about a couple, who went from having things perfect to losing it completely....
But here's the last part of the monologue (the part the male reads to his ex girlfriend):


They say love like you’ve never been hurt…

I never understood that.

How could I ever learn to trust or love someone,

When I know that one day they’re going to leave me?

I trusted and loved once without caution,

I handed love out like free candy to the people around me.

And every heart I touched in the process,

Ended up hurting me.

I suppose I expected that sort of thing from my friends,

People are naturally selfish and they don’t really see what impact their actions have.

 

But you.

You promised you were different.

But you ran away. You ran just like them.

And you left me here.

Alone.

Broken.

 

I took it one day at a time,

Took the space I needed to heal.

And slowly but surely, the sun got a bit brighter.

And My smile, a bit more genuine.

I don’t think it go easier.

I just got stronger.

And I learned that I love myself now,

And I could only learn to do that,

By Accepting the reality that there’s no guarantee in life that I am going to be loved.

I am the only constant in my life. Everyone else can leave at any minute.

I know now what I deserve and I’ve learned to accept and forgive.

 

So when they say, “Love like you’ve never been hurt…”

I think they mean Love yourself like you’ve never been hurt.

The way people treat you, does not define you.

You define who you are. You accept the love you think you deserve.

And I know, I deserve better than you.

So I thank you, for teaching me to love myself.


Hope you enjoyed it.

Love,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 7: Life is short

Dear 16 Year Old Self...

I write you with very sad news today... We found out on Monday that one of our friends, Ilan Blecher, passed away. At nineteen, his life was taken in a freak accident.

It's not right... Its not okay. We always hear stories about kids dying in falls and in accidents and in shoot outs etc... but we never really consider the story because it doesn't affect us at all. On Tuesday there was a picture of a boy on the front page of the Cape Argus with a headline reading: Fatal Fall: Teen's Body Found. And it struck me pretty hard to realise It wasn't a story about some kid in Cape Town I never knew before, It was a kid I knew, a kid I spent high school with.

You're pretty close with Ilan when you're 16, but you guys do drift. Your friendship groups change and you become different people... But that's okay, that happens. It's just hard to think of all the good times we shared when we were 16 and the fact that 3 years later....he would be gone.

Ilan lived for each day. He always wore the brightest and biggest smile ever. He was never one to hold a grudge and never forgot to greet when he walked past. He was passionate about life and people and their dreams. I remember a conversation we had in matric where I told him  that I was going to study performing arts this year, and he seemed genuinely excited for me. Its people like him that inspire others to chase after their dreams. The world needs more people like him...

I wonder what he would have done if he had known he only had 19 years left to live... would he have done anything differently? Drop out of high school and see the world? Pursue items on a bucket list? I don't know. And that's what's hard about death. It can take you at any time, any place, any where and you just never know when it's going to be your last day on earth. It's a scary thought. I mean at 19, there's so much more I still want to achieve and do with my life. There's so many possibilities we haven't even had the chance to consider.

Ilan was taken too soon, but he lived a full life lead with happiness and just being free. And his death has affected so many lives. So many people were touched by his life and presence even if all they knew about him was that he was the guy at UCT who always greeted. Whether you knew him well or just as an acquaintance his personality and love for living life touched so many hearts it's insane. I see statuses about him, friends sharing fond memories with him and talking about what a great person he is... and that's pretty amazing... No one has anything bad to say about him, because he was a good person. One of the best.

If you died today? What will people say about you? What will they remember about you? Will it be positive or negative thoughts? Will people even think about you after you die? There are all questions that I asked myself this week... I realised it's your duty to live a life worth remembering, like Ilan's. A life worth appreciating. A life that was full, so that one day when your time comes, you can say you have no regrets.

Life is too short. Live for today. If you want something, go get it. If you love someone tell them.... you never know when you'll get a chance to do these things again. So do it now. Live for now.

Westerford Class of 2012 lost one of it's best this week.
Ilan we loved, we love you. And you're missed more than you can even imagine.

Love,
19 Year Old Nadine.

Letter 6: Heartbreak

Dear 16 year old self,

Heartbreak sucks. Doesn't matter how old you are or whether it's your first, second or third heartbreak, the amount of pain endured through each remains the same.... If not more.

Heartbreaks usually mean the end of something. The end of a life with a particular person, the end of memories and future plans. It's a time in your life where it feels like an atomic bomb has been set off in your personal bubble and you're the only one who can feel the damage caused. It sucks. 

The thing is that heart break happens everywhere in the world. Everyday to people all over. You're not the first to go through a heartbreak and you won't be the last.... So why do we always feel so alone in times like these. 

Why do we feel like its the end of the world? Why do we get annoyed that life is going on around us when ours seems to be coming to an end....? 

You know why?

Cause life does go on. 

Heartbreak isn't just an end. It's a chance at a new beginning. And how many opportunities do u get in life to start over? Not many. 

It doesn't matter how much u love someone.... How much you believe you're meant to be with someone...if its over... Sometimes you just have to accept that it's over and that you've done all that you could and that there was nothing more you could have done. That's when u decide to move on.... And live your life. And it's hard. It's so incredibly hard. But that's life: it's hard.

I wish I could give u tips for dealing with this... But I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Just remember you're not alone, you've got your friends and family, people who care and love u no matter what.... And you've got your whole life ahead of you to fall in and out of love over and over. You don't know what the future holds.... One door closes so that another can open, that's what they say right? So far that hasn't been wrong. 

The best way to deal with heartbreak is to do just that. Deal with it. The only way out is through. So don't run away from this: cry as much as you like, listen to sad and depressing music, write in your diary, eat fatty foods. Do whatever you need to do to get through this at your own pace. Get through it one day at a time... Because one day, you're Gana wake up.... And that hole will be gone. You'll be able to say "I'm okay" and mean it. I know this because I've been through it before and I'm going through it right now again.

You never get used to heartbreaks... You just get stronger with each one. 

So if you've lost some one you love, just remember you're one heart break closer to finding your happy ending.

You just gotta have a little faith in the bigger picture. 

"what is meant to be will be...."

You'll be okay. 

Love,

19 year old Nadine

Letter 5: Don't judge a book by it's cover

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I've always had an issue with judging people before I actually knew them, especially as I got older. My main problems were with the young teenagers; the 13 to 15 year olds. I just used to get so annoyed with them. With their mediocre problems, short skirts and heavily made up faces. When I was around girls that age, I would often roll my eyes in annoyance and try to get out of the room as soon as possible.

It wasn't until last year that I had my eyes opened. We were doing this thing in drama at Theatre school, where each girl had to go up in front of the class and speak about who they are. When we got the task we all prepared these typical "Who Am I" speeches. But one by one, as the girls went up, they realised in front of a group of people talking about who you are, you were extremely vulnerable.  Many of the girls, including myself, cried while we were in front of the class, saying things, speaking about things we hadn't really even considered were bothering us until that moment we were put on the spot.

It was interesting, because the age gap in the class was pretty vast. The youngest was 12 and the oldest was 18 (Me and a few of the other girls at the time). We were all at different stages in life, and everyone's story broke my heart. I sat there listening to these 14 year old girls who I had judged before, but when they sat there telling us their story I just wanted to get up and hug them and tell them it was going to be okay. That's when I realised that when I was that age, I really felt like everything was the end of the world... and my problems weren't even as big as theirs are.

My point is, everyone is dealing with their own "end of the world", the most secure person you know may be the one who is dying inside. It's easy to judge someone by just looking at them, it takes a big person to actually ask and find out why a certain person is the way they are. Just because someone is younger than you doesn't mean their problems are smaller than yours.

Your life begins where your comfort zone ends. If there's someone you don't really like that much, ask yourself why? Your reasons will probably be a little superficial. Then think about how you'd feel if someone disliked you before they even knew you. It's pretty crappy isn't it? If you're too busy judging someone, you have no time to love them.
So what are you ganna do? Judge or love?

Yours
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 4: Dont forget to have fun!

Dear 16 year old self,

This year I've had a lot of time to focus on myself and reflect on my life this far... And what I realized is that in my 19 years of life, I should have lived a little more... 

Don't get me wrong, I had fun... But I feel like I felt the need, when I was a teenager to behave like an adult. And therefore I was always the mature one. 

This year I spent the year letting go, which is quite funny considering this is the time I'm meant to start behaving like an adult... But I feel like a bigger kid than I ever was growing up. It's awesome. This has probably been the most fun year I've had in my life.

I have no regrets I mean 19 is a great age to act like a kid in South Africa, you're legal to go party and drive... I can still be a kid but with some responsibility and more possibilities for fun :) 

I'm not saying go out and start doing drugs and drinking. What I want to tell you is that it's good to try new things! It's good to have adventures and to be a little rebellious when you're young. You have your whole life to be an adult, you're only young once: YOYO 

Whoa I just came up with a cool acronym, watch out Drake! 

So go out there and have fun. Don't get serious too young. Have lots of boyfriends, party a lot, eat fatty foods, sleep late, wake up late, make memories... Just be responsible about it. 

There are enough things in life to be serious about... But u can worry about that when you're old, right now, now is the time to live and make memories. 

YOYO

Love,

19 year old Nadine

Letter 3: Don't Give Up

Dear 16 year old self,

Today, I wanted to give up. 

I am studying performing arts, mainly as a Dance major for first year. I knew this would be a challenge at the beginning of the year... But I took it on. 

Im not the strongest dancer in the class, I know that I am not going to be a dancer but it's part of what I want to do, which is perform and therefore I work at it. I spent this whole year putting blood an sweat into dancing and stretching my body to new limits. 

I do Modern, tap, jazz and ballet. Ballet being the hardest for me. At the beginning of the year I hated it. I couldnt do it. I couldn't balance or maintain my turnout... But after a few months I started to enjoy it. 

At my college you either get to do the international exam or the national exam. Depending on how good you are. My teacher suggested I do the national ballet exam... And for some reason it really got to me. And I cried. And for the first time in my life I questioned the industry I have chosen... I realized that sometimes I'm just not going to be good enough and I'll have to accept that I'm not the best. It was a reality that almost made me want to drop dancing completely and be a musical theatre major only and not a double major...

It would make sense for me to drop it. I mean whats the point of me pushing myself in something I'm obviously not naturally good at. I should stick to what I know: singing... But then I realized... If everyone just stuck with what they were comfortable with, there would be no progress in the world... There would be nothing new, no excitement. 

So after various pep talks and hugs I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I may not be the best ballerina, I don't even want to be a Ballerina, but whether I like it or not, ballet is a stepping stone and the foundation I need, to get to where I want to be. Therefore I decided to suck it up. I'm still going to work towards an international exam... One thing about me is that when someone tells me I can't do something, I usually work extra hard to prove them wrong.

That's exactly what you're going through now in grade 10. I remember in grade 9 they suggested that I didn't do physics as my marks weren't good enough. I cried about it... But decided to prove them Wrong... And you know what, there will be times when u feel like kicking yourself for choosing the subject, you'll go through different tutors and study techniques trying to get it into your head.... But it's all going to be worth it... Because by the time u get to Matric, u pass physics (and it's not a government pass either! Bachelors pass girl) ! Which is a lot more than your teachers ever expected you to do. And that, that is the best feeling ever...

Life is going to be filled with situations where u feel like it would be better to just give up. But don't. You don't grow as a Person by running away... You grow by facing challenges head on. For you it's physics, for me it's ballet. There will be more challenges, but you were built strong. You're not weak. You're a survivor. And whatever that thing is you think you can't do.... Ask yourself why not? 

If not why not?!

You'll find most times your reason is mainly just cause you're afraid of failing... But without failure there is no progress. 

Now go out there and do what they said you couldnt do. 

Yours,

19 year old Nadine 

Letter 2: A thousand friends on Facebook does not make you popular

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

You're at the place in our life where all your friends have Blackberries...and you are the loser with a Samsung flip phone that can only log onto MXit. This doesnt change till you get to Matric...and you're going to rant and rave about why you need a Blackberry until you receive it, and realize it's not all that.

I remember getting my Blackberry, and being overwhelmed by how popular I was all of a sudden. People invited me out, I was involved in plans and decision within my friendship group...It was like someone had finally given me a platform where everyone of my friends were connected to me all the time. It felt good. I remember the first night I had a Blackberry and went to bed...The damn phone wouldnt stop buzzing, eventually I put it on silent so I could sleep in peace.

It was nice for a while, i felt like people actually cared about me. If I made a sad status, someone I didnt even know would ask me if i wanted to talk about it. People got involved with my life and I got involved with theirs. Very quickly my contact list reached the 200s... but eventually people started to lose interest. I no longer got messages every time I made a sad status, sometimes I had to go looking for plans. I remember nights I sat going through my contact list waiting for someone to message me... It made me feel pretty bad about myself...

You know by now how unlucky you are with cell phones, and that doesnt change when you get your Blackberry. My blackberry has drowned 3 times before it died for real. Being subjected to a life of just Whatsapp made me realize something...Having thousands of contacts on BBM and friends on Facebook means nothing...I depended so much on those social media relationships for happiness that when it disapeared I felt like my social life had died with it.

The fact is, your real friends arent the ones who are always in your business on BBM, Twitter or Facebook... those people are just interested in you for what kind of gossip they can spread about you later. Your real friends are the ones that call you, when you want to hang out. That make an effort to find out your new number on Whatsapp and message you. That visit you or take you out when they know you're down.

You shouldnt depend on the "friends" you have on Facebook, because a thousand friends means nothing if you're alone when you need your friends the most. Focus more on the relationships that are real rather than the fake ones and be wise enough to know the difference. It's going to be hard, sometimes you're not going to know the difference. But you'll learn. I mean that's what life is about right? Learning.

Your friends are important. You're going to need them more than anything as you grow older... They'll be your foundation for the person you become.

And try not to post everything on Facebook...I know it's hard, it took me so long to learn that somethings are personal and shouldnt be aired for everyone to know. You'll be surprised how much you change regarding social networks... somewhere down the line Facebook came up with a Timeline...You should check yours out and see how much you've grown since you started Facebook to present day. How much your friends have changed and how they've influenced you as a person. Its crazy.

Just remember 1 real friend who is there for you when you need them, is worth a whole lot more than 1000 Facebook friends.

Yours,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 1: It's not the end of the world.

Dear 16 Year Old Self,
You're probably wondering why I've decided to write to you... 3 years down the line, a lot has happened. Things have changed. And your life is nothing like you thought it would be.

In your 16th year everything changes. Your first boyfriend and you finally call it quits... You leave him for another guy... and when that happens you feel like you've made the biggest mistake of your life. You're going to be sad. For a while. You'll feel like no one really understands what you're going through. You'll fight with the people you love and try and place blame elsewhere even though you know, it was all you. That's something you'll learn this year... Taking responsibility for your actions and forgiving yourself.

It is not the end of the world.

It's actually really simple... Everything you could ever want is standing right under your nose, you're just too stubborn to accept it for yourself. I know you don't see it now, but being 16 in 2010 was the best year of your life. Your friendship circle is at it's peak. Everyone likes each other, there's no drama... Trust me that will change. By the end of the year your friends will all have issues with each other, no one will want to hang out anymore because people are changing. Some friends will start experimenting, drinking and even smoking. And you, being the good girl you've always been will stay away from these things. That's something you won't regret when you're older. You held on to your childhood as long as you could... You have your whole life ahead of you to do those things.

Your problems will only get bigger. Your heart will get broken a few more times, but you'll tell yourself that it's worth it, because of how happy he makes you... and you know what, it is. That's the thing about life... Happiness comes at a price, the things you go through to achieve that happiness, make it worth it. And I can tell you 3 years down the line, you're still okay. You're stronger....
And you know why?

Because you never gave up on what you wanted. You did what was best for you. Always. You're going to be okay Nadine. Life will keep throwing curve balls at you, and sometimes you'll feel like the ground has been ripped from under you... but it will be okay. Because you're a strong, independent woman and you can do anything.

Whatever you're going through now...I know it seems like the end of the world... But it's not.
It doesn't get easier... You just get stronger.

But I'll be here, sharing what I've learned since I was 16...because I wish I had someone writing me letters, telling me what to do when I was 16 and lost and confused.

You're going to achieve such great things. You just need to learn to let go and start living life. You're going to be okay.

Trust me. I've been there.

19 Year Old Nadine