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Sunday 15 May 2016

Letter 25: Friendship Break-ups

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

We often only hear people talk about break ups in the sense of losing a boyfriend or girlfriend but we do not spend enough attention on something which can be equally as heartbreaking: The Friendship Break Up.

Throughout your life you're bound to go through different friends, some people stay in your life and some move on to other things, it's a scary fact to accept but sometimes you have no control over who stays or leaves. The worst thing about friendship break ups is that they happen out of the blue, there's no actual decision to break up, unless it's because of a fight, but usually, the two of you drift apart, until you wake up one morning and realise you aren't friends anymore.

Between high school and college you're going to lose a lot of friends, this is a given with any major transition in life. But nothing can really prepare you for losing your best friend. I think the biggest problem is that between your teens and early twenties, you do a lot of growing and evolving as a person, this will lead to you out-growing certain people or vice versa. It's no one's fault and trying to shift the blame onto someone is never a good idea.

It's easy to get angry or feel sorry for yourself and play the victim. You might even try to convince yourself that they're not a very good person anyways and you're better off without them...but none of this helps when you find yourself wishing you could tell them something that happened to you but you can't because things aren't the same.

There are thousands of reasons you could lose friends: You both want different things from life, You have different views and morals for example; she likes to party, you prefer to stay home, Both parties stopped investing in the friendship or allowed other circumstances to get in the way etc. The list could go on and on.

Losing a friend is a bit easier when you don't have to see them everyday because you aren't constantly being reminded of the friendship or how close you used to be. But seeing them everyday after the friendship dynamic has changed is very hard and not to mention awkward. Its like going to school with you ex-boyfriend but instead of pretending they don't exist, you engage in awkward conversations in order to make things look less awkward.

It's crazy, how one day you can go from telling someone everything, knowing every detail about their lives to not knowing if you should hug them to say hello.

You have to accept that somethings are just not in your control. But as soon as you notice the dynamic shifting, talk to them, maybe it's all a misunderstanding, no matter how hard it is, it's better to do damage control sooner than before it's too late. Maybe they just need sometime to figure out who they are and who they want to be and you no longer fit into that picture anymore... Maybe they're just not into long-term friendships. Or they get along with someone better than they did with you. You'll never know till you ask and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to come to a conclusion alone.

Remember everyone comes into your life for a reason, sometimes, once they've fulfilled their purpose in yours, they have to move on and play a role in someone else's life. Try to understand why certain people have come and gone and maybe that will offer some sort of closure.

When you lose a friend all you can do is wish them the best, hope they've found whatever it is they're looking for and be there if they ever need you again. It's going to hurt like hell, but I didn't even know this was a thing till it happened to me, so I thought I'd give you some fair warning.

May all your friendships be forever.

Yours,
22 Year-Old Nadine