Letter 12: Learning to be silent

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

So it's been an interesting week, I went to see the ENT specialist on Monday and he informed me that I was developing nodes on my vocal chords.But he assured me that it's nothing some heavy medication and vocal rest couldn't cure. So I spent my week on Cortisone tablets (8 a morning) and lots of water and no singing.

The real challenge came this weekend though, I was put on strict vocal rest for 48 hours straight. Anyone who knows me knows I talk... A LOT. But it was actually easier than I thought it would be. The hardest part was not talking to my pets... LOL you try telling your dog to go outside without saying anything. Also getting my mom to understand that I couldn't respond in conversations was also challenging for me.

I found that I was pretty chilled, I didn't expect people to understand me, because I wasn't using words. So when I needed to say something I had to find another way to communicate it. It was interesting, and the funny part was that people were getting more frustrated with my not talking than I was at not being able to make them understand.

I am normally the person who says everything that's on her mind, whether it's nice or not. If someone asks a stupid question I reply with a sarcastic answer. This weekend I could just ignore those stupid questions with great effort because there was no need to give a sarcastic or smart answer. It's so liberating. LOL. It made me realise that there's a lot of things that come out of my mouth that are unnecessary, things that I say that do not make anything better or help anyone's lives and if my words don't do that then what am I doing but wasting my breath?

I'm not saying you should go out tomorrow and refuse to speak to anyone, I'm saying "monitor the words that come out of your mouth" are they good words? How will they make people feel after I say them? Do I absolutely need to say this? A lot of the time you'll find that the comments you want to make are better kept to yourself.

I remember when I was in Primary school they did a talk on bullying. The lady did a demonstration using a tube of toothpaste which she emptied. She said that it was easy to get all the toothpaste out but impossible to get it back inside the tube, she taught us that it's the same with words. Once they're out. They're out.

So before you speak, think about it. Is this something I want out in the world?

Goodluck :)
Oh and Happy New Year :)

Yours,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 11: Looking back on this year

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I know I've written to you a lot about how much 2013 sucked for me. But it wasn't all bad. It was actually one of the funnest years I've had. I mean I'm 19. I can go where ever I like, drink what I like and party. I Got a job which I love and I'm studying what I love. I've faced a lot of experiences this year that have forced  me to understand some things and learn from them.

I was going to get into every little experience, but that's ganna take the fun out for you when you get here. Just know that everything that happens to you, good and bad has a reason. You're meant to learn from everything that happens. Nothing is in vain. Knowing this doesn't make the bad times better, but it sure as hell makes it easier. The only way out is through. And once you make it through...You're going to look back at the year and realise how far you've come.

That's what I'm doing now. And I'm proud of myself. I thought I'd never survive losing the guy I loved. But I did. And here I am. Stronger and ready for whatever life has for me next.

You're strong. And you're independent. You don't need anyone else to drive you, you're self driven, and that's whats going to get you through the worst times of your life.

Keep your friends close though. I mean it. You're going to need those guys when you get older. They're literally the foundation that keeps you steady when all you want to do is fall to the ground.

You've got a lot of living ahead of you the next few years. But I'll tell you a secret.

You survive.
Because you're a survivor.

Just keep looking forward and keep your eye on the prize.

Merry Christmas and Happy New year

Yours,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 10: Dreams are important

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I remember when I was your age, young and really confused about where my future would be going...I  always dreamed of being a singer and performing all over the world, but I also always thought I'd go to University and study something like Accounting or something that guaranteed an income, you know?

I always put it off though, not making a proper decision in high school, but eventually in matric, I had to make a decision about my future. I had gotten into UCT and into The Waterfront Theatre School. UCT was were all my friends were going. WTS would be myself and two other people from high school, but I would have gotten an opportunity to do what I love everyday...Sing, dance and act in one place. So I decided to choose WTS.

It's been a year now since I've left high school and started the next phase of my life as a student. And All I can tell you is, it's been challenging...I've had my passion tested and attacked day after day. But at the end of the year all I can say is, I have no regrets. Because despite the sore and painful nights I've spent trying to massage my muscles after dance classes or nights I drank nothing but rooibos tea in hopes that my voice would be okay for my assessment in the morning, I loved what I was doing and that has made all the difference. I haven't wanted to give up once, when I got knocked down, I found a way to get around it and to make it work for me.

My point is, if you love something, the amount of effort and work it takes to get it wont affect you. Loving something and being passionate about what you're doing everyday is all that really matters. Sure I understand the whole "You cant make money in performing" argument, but from what I've seen, if you're absolutely passionate about something, it will show in your performance and the money will come.

I'm not saying you should drop everything you've got going on to chase the dream...but I do believe we owe it to ourselves to try. If you believe with every fiber in your body that you can succeed, you're probably right.

Go get them dreams, 16 Year Old me.
It'll be worth it, I promise you.

Love,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 9: Prepare yourself

Dear 16 year old self,

Prepare yourself. You think high school is hard...? Life after high school is hell.

Don't get me wrong its great to finally be doing what I wanna do and to be going in the direction I wanna be going... But the amount of challenges I've went through this year have broken me down to a point where I didn't even know what was up or down anymore.

Okay maybe everyone else had a good year and that's cool. But I'm preparing you, 16 year old me, because the minute you kiss high school goodbye, your whole world gets turned upside down.

Your year starts off with a break up from your boyfriend of almost 3 years, you're then thrust into a completely new environment with new people and have to learn how to make friends (and I just need to add you're not very good at that, but I'll save that for my next letter), all your high school friends went to UCT so u never see them and are often left out and slowly but surely, your number of friends start to deteriorate.

I'm not going to go in depth regarding the things that went wrong for me this year. That's your future to figure out what I am going to share with you is what I've learned from this year. Because as hard as 2013 was, I came out stronger on the other side because I learned the following:
1. I am my own best friend. You cannot trust anyone to always be there no matter how many times they say they will be... When you're down and under, finding good friends is hard and nearly impossible. People are too consumed in their own problems and lives to notice your cries for help. I learned that I needed to be my own hero. I was the only one who could save me when I was down.
2. Just because something is hard doesn't mean its not worth it. Its actually the opposite. The harder u work for something the more it is worth. There were times I just wanted to give up this year because I felt like I was getting nowhere. You literally have to keep yourself motivated all the time. No one will do it for u.
3. Believe in yourself. Chase your dreams, don't second guess them. You're capable of more than u can imagine.
4. People come into your life for one of two reasons: they're  either a blessing or a lesson. Its figuring out which one is which that's hard.
5. Live a little. Try new things, hang out with new people. Make new friends. Everyone else around u is moving on with life, eventually u have to do the same instead of chasing doomed friendships.
6. Failure is not an option. No matter what, you're going to win. You might get knocked down a few times, but its the fact that u get up that's worth it. Always get up.
7. Appreciate the people who love u enough to tell u when they're mad or hurt. Who are there when you're at your worst. The girl who holds your hair back while u throw up and cry in the bathroom stalls at a club. Do not take them for granted. Good friends are so hard to find.
8. Don't take anything for granted. You don't know what you've got till its gone.

Those are just some of the things this year has taught me. I could go on for days... But I'm falling asleep as I type this. So I guess you'll have to wait a few years and find out for yourself.

Enjoy life while its still simple 16 year old Nadine. Cause in 3 years, you're gana witness a whole new side of crazy. But u know what, you're a survivor. And it takes more than a year full of obstacles to keep u down. Just hold ur head up kid, keep your eye on the prize. You're going to make it.

Yours,
19 year old Nadine.

Letter 8: Love like you've never been hurt

Dear 16 year old self,
last week for drama class I worked with a close friend on our term project. We had to create our own piece of theatre. We decided to use Love as our theme. Love found and love lost...and how to deal with it... I wrote a piece which one of my fellow students performed as part of our project. We managed to get our teacher to tears, so I'm hoping it will get the message through to you too.

Maybe I'll post the video of the performance later. It was basically about a couple, who went from having things perfect to losing it completely....
But here's the last part of the monologue (the part the male reads to his ex girlfriend):


They say love like you’ve never been hurt…

I never understood that.

How could I ever learn to trust or love someone,

When I know that one day they’re going to leave me?

I trusted and loved once without caution,

I handed love out like free candy to the people around me.

And every heart I touched in the process,

Ended up hurting me.

I suppose I expected that sort of thing from my friends,

People are naturally selfish and they don’t really see what impact their actions have.

 

But you.

You promised you were different.

But you ran away. You ran just like them.

And you left me here.

Alone.

Broken.

 

I took it one day at a time,

Took the space I needed to heal.

And slowly but surely, the sun got a bit brighter.

And My smile, a bit more genuine.

I don’t think it go easier.

I just got stronger.

And I learned that I love myself now,

And I could only learn to do that,

By Accepting the reality that there’s no guarantee in life that I am going to be loved.

I am the only constant in my life. Everyone else can leave at any minute.

I know now what I deserve and I’ve learned to accept and forgive.

 

So when they say, “Love like you’ve never been hurt…”

I think they mean Love yourself like you’ve never been hurt.

The way people treat you, does not define you.

You define who you are. You accept the love you think you deserve.

And I know, I deserve better than you.

So I thank you, for teaching me to love myself.


Hope you enjoyed it.

Love,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 7: Life is short

Dear 16 Year Old Self...

I write you with very sad news today... We found out on Monday that one of our friends, Ilan Blecher, passed away. At nineteen, his life was taken in a freak accident.

It's not right... Its not okay. We always hear stories about kids dying in falls and in accidents and in shoot outs etc... but we never really consider the story because it doesn't affect us at all. On Tuesday there was a picture of a boy on the front page of the Cape Argus with a headline reading: Fatal Fall: Teen's Body Found. And it struck me pretty hard to realise It wasn't a story about some kid in Cape Town I never knew before, It was a kid I knew, a kid I spent high school with.

You're pretty close with Ilan when you're 16, but you guys do drift. Your friendship groups change and you become different people... But that's okay, that happens. It's just hard to think of all the good times we shared when we were 16 and the fact that 3 years later....he would be gone.

Ilan lived for each day. He always wore the brightest and biggest smile ever. He was never one to hold a grudge and never forgot to greet when he walked past. He was passionate about life and people and their dreams. I remember a conversation we had in matric where I told him  that I was going to study performing arts this year, and he seemed genuinely excited for me. Its people like him that inspire others to chase after their dreams. The world needs more people like him...

I wonder what he would have done if he had known he only had 19 years left to live... would he have done anything differently? Drop out of high school and see the world? Pursue items on a bucket list? I don't know. And that's what's hard about death. It can take you at any time, any place, any where and you just never know when it's going to be your last day on earth. It's a scary thought. I mean at 19, there's so much more I still want to achieve and do with my life. There's so many possibilities we haven't even had the chance to consider.

Ilan was taken too soon, but he lived a full life lead with happiness and just being free. And his death has affected so many lives. So many people were touched by his life and presence even if all they knew about him was that he was the guy at UCT who always greeted. Whether you knew him well or just as an acquaintance his personality and love for living life touched so many hearts it's insane. I see statuses about him, friends sharing fond memories with him and talking about what a great person he is... and that's pretty amazing... No one has anything bad to say about him, because he was a good person. One of the best.

If you died today? What will people say about you? What will they remember about you? Will it be positive or negative thoughts? Will people even think about you after you die? There are all questions that I asked myself this week... I realised it's your duty to live a life worth remembering, like Ilan's. A life worth appreciating. A life that was full, so that one day when your time comes, you can say you have no regrets.

Life is too short. Live for today. If you want something, go get it. If you love someone tell them.... you never know when you'll get a chance to do these things again. So do it now. Live for now.

Westerford Class of 2012 lost one of it's best this week.
Ilan we loved, we love you. And you're missed more than you can even imagine.

Love,
19 Year Old Nadine.

Letter 6: Heartbreak

Dear 16 year old self,

Heartbreak sucks. Doesn't matter how old you are or whether it's your first, second or third heartbreak, the amount of pain endured through each remains the same.... If not more.

Heartbreaks usually mean the end of something. The end of a life with a particular person, the end of memories and future plans. It's a time in your life where it feels like an atomic bomb has been set off in your personal bubble and you're the only one who can feel the damage caused. It sucks. 

The thing is that heart break happens everywhere in the world. Everyday to people all over. You're not the first to go through a heartbreak and you won't be the last.... So why do we always feel so alone in times like these. 

Why do we feel like its the end of the world? Why do we get annoyed that life is going on around us when ours seems to be coming to an end....? 

You know why?

Cause life does go on. 

Heartbreak isn't just an end. It's a chance at a new beginning. And how many opportunities do u get in life to start over? Not many. 

It doesn't matter how much u love someone.... How much you believe you're meant to be with someone...if its over... Sometimes you just have to accept that it's over and that you've done all that you could and that there was nothing more you could have done. That's when u decide to move on.... And live your life. And it's hard. It's so incredibly hard. But that's life: it's hard.

I wish I could give u tips for dealing with this... But I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Just remember you're not alone, you've got your friends and family, people who care and love u no matter what.... And you've got your whole life ahead of you to fall in and out of love over and over. You don't know what the future holds.... One door closes so that another can open, that's what they say right? So far that hasn't been wrong. 

The best way to deal with heartbreak is to do just that. Deal with it. The only way out is through. So don't run away from this: cry as much as you like, listen to sad and depressing music, write in your diary, eat fatty foods. Do whatever you need to do to get through this at your own pace. Get through it one day at a time... Because one day, you're Gana wake up.... And that hole will be gone. You'll be able to say "I'm okay" and mean it. I know this because I've been through it before and I'm going through it right now again.

You never get used to heartbreaks... You just get stronger with each one. 

So if you've lost some one you love, just remember you're one heart break closer to finding your happy ending.

You just gotta have a little faith in the bigger picture. 

"what is meant to be will be...."

You'll be okay. 

Love,

19 year old Nadine