Letter 16: Pain is temporary

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

In your 19th year of life, you feel the need to get a tattoo. You get your first on your wrist, it says Fearless. Two months pass and you feel that you are ready to get that sentence you've been wanting as a tattoo for as long as you can remember, it says What is meant to be will be, it finds it's place on your hip.

A few days ago, while in the shower I was looking at my tattoos. The one on my wrist wasn't that painful, it was more ticklish than anything else. The one on my hip? That was a motherfucker, excuse my french.  But that's when a little life lesson blossomed upon me: It was painful to get the tattoo, if I had decided that the pain was too much and backed out, I wouldn't have the tattoo today. And now when I look at it, I feel no pain. I remember the pain I went through to get it...But I don't feel it anymore.

That's because pain is temporary. The Lesson, or the impact that pain leaves is permanent.
 I learnt that first hand last year. I went through a rough patch in my life, it was painful and I honestly thought I wouldn't survive... But I got through it...And When I look back at that period of my life now I feel no pain, no sadness and most importantly...No regret. That part of my life, made me the woman I am today. And not to toot my own horn or anything but you grow up to be a strong, independent young woman, who makes mistakes. It sometimes takes me a few times making the same mistake before I learn, but I learn in the end. The thing is, pain always has a reason. Nothing is in vain especially not pain. (Rhyming like a beast)

You know when you get hurt and you start to bleed? That blood usually results in a scab. You can allow that scab to heal and when it is completely healed, the scar left behind is very faint almost invisible. Or you could pick at that scab, open up the wound so many times that eventually you are left with a huge scar. Life is the same, You need to allow yourself time to heal...The more pain you put yourself through, the harder it is to forget. What I've noticed is that a lot of the time our pain is self induced. You need to ask yourself, why you're hurting and can you do anything to stop it? If you can, why don't you?

Don't give anyone else the power the put you through pain, you control who can hurt you. Anyways, I seemed to have diverged. My point is, whatever you're going through, as painful as it may seem, its not going to last forever. And one day, I promise you it's going to be a painless memory, the kind that makes you say, "Damn, look how far I've come since then."

When you're 16 you go through a heartbreak, one of many in your life. It's not the first and it won't be the last...But when I look back at that time in my life, the good memories outshine the bitter ones, the joy over rides the pain. Pain is something that's in the moment, the pain you're feeling now? That's temporary.

So hang in there.

Yours,
20 Year Old Nadine

Letter 15: Your Own Best friend

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I remember my matric year, in the middle of studying for my final exams feeling sorry for myself. I hated the fact that my life was being controlled by subjects I didn't like but had to pass to have some sort of future. I remember telling myself that if I just got through those exams, then next year I wouldn't ever have to feel that way again...I'd be free to do what I love and study things that I am passionate about.

It's safe to say that I was in shock when I started college. Being pushed into the dance major stream because I "had potential" for dance, and got to do Musical theatre as a side thing, whenever my dance schedule allowed for it. It's taken me a year and a half to realise that I am in the same head space I was in during my matric year. Studying, trying to excel at something that isn't my natural talent. Don't get me wrong, I love dancing...But it is not my first love. Singing is my first love. And because I had to focus so much on dance the past 18 Months, my singing has taken the backseat. It's horrible.

Anyways, let me tell you about life as a dancer. My 2nd year class consists of about 7 people this year, each has their own strength in dance. Majority of them have flexibility for days and talent pouring out of their ears. I don't mind not being the best in a dance class, I know that I am not and I also know that I have much room for improvement. And I know that since the beginning of last year I have shown a crazy amount of improvement... but for what. My teachers still look at me like I am wasting my time, year after year they tell me that I shouldn't be in that class, that I should be doing something else. And they're right. I should be doing something else, but I know that doing higher dance levels will benefit me more in the future when I leave for the industry. It's just hard when you feel like nothing that you do is good enough. Because I work my ass off, I am in class everyday and I know my stuff, yet I still get treated as the outcast student. It sucks.

Okay you're probably wondering why I am giving you all this depressing news about my life. Well here is the reason: I've realised that I am the only person who is gonna have my back. I'm the only person who can motivate myself to do better, to keep moving forward. No one else is going to do it for me, everyone else is too busy trying to move forward with their lives. You need to be your own best friend. When times get tough you need to dig into yourself, into that deep place within and remember why you started, remember where you're going and most importantly remember how you are getting there. Because this journey is yours and yours alone, you are the only person who can carry yourself to the finish line. You can lie down and give up where you are, and let the others lap you or you can push and try and do everything in your power to move forward.

No one can change your perception of yourself, and no one can take your dreams away from you. Whether it's exams, horrible teachers, sports, friends, work etc getting you down...You have all you need to push through.

No one knows you better than you know yourself. You know your limits, you know your strengths, and work with them.

Your best friend,

20 Year Old Nadine.

Letter 14: Some friends are forever

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I've written to you a lot about how much your friends change over the years and how many people you are going to lose along the way but I don't think I've ever mentioned that some people stay and are here to stay for good.

People are either two things; a blessing or a lesson. After high school I felt as though all my friends were going on different paths and that us staying in contact was highly unlikely... but a few of my friends did. And it's great. We may not see each other every day, sometimes we go months without seeing one another, but when we do hang out it's as though we never stopped seeing one another. Conversations are effortless with these friends because they know you and your past, they get you.

Now I am all for making new friends, although I am so bad at it. But a lot of the time we crave people who actually know us and our history without us having to explain our entire life stories, and thats when you need your old friends. 

Your friends are always going to have your back, no matter how many times they screw up or you screw up, some people will just stay in your lives whether you want them there or not. Your friends will understand when you're busy at college 24/7 and don't have time to talk or if you spend too much time with your new boyfriend and barely hang out with them, because they're happy you're happy.

I am more than grateful for the friends who have stuck around in my life and it's so great to see the amazing women and men they are growing into. There's something special about growing up with someone... Going through the phases of life with them. Treasure the friends you meet when you're 16, you're going to experience life with these people and it'll be awesome.

Choose your friends wisely, they might be around for longer than you think.

Yours,
20 year old Nadine

Letter 13: Two decades later

Dear 16 Year Old Self,
Last week was my, our birthday and although you stay 16 in my letters, I have aged up. I am now 20. Big, scary 20.

When I remember what I thought my life would be like at 20 I cannot help but laugh at how naive I was as a child. I had this vision that by 20 I would have my own place, my own job and car and be entirely self sufficient, I'd stop by my parents every Sunday to visit and live with friends of mine in town. But life has a funny way of changing plans, especially unrealistic ones. I still live at home, I have a part time job but still rely on my parents for food, pocket money and petrol for the car my parents bought me. I just got a laptop and a brand new phone, also gifts from my parents. All in all, it's safe to say that I am FAR from self sufficient. And Surprisingly, that's okay. None of my friends are self sufficient either, I mean how can they be? Because believe it or not, at age 20...we're more of a child than we ever were growing up.

Okay sure we've got a bit more responsibilities, we're entering adulthood. Some people are taking out loans to study or buy a car. A lot of people I know are balancing jobs with their studies and they live alone so they have to make their own food and do their own laundry. It's things like that that make me grateful for the life I was born into. Life has been somewhat easy for me.

But being any age after 18 and before 30 is play time for a lot of people. We're partying, living the life. Drinking, going to trance parties. Most of us can drive which means we have a whole lot of freedom. It's great.

Anyways, I did not start this letter to tell you about being 20, this letter is to tell you what I've learnt in my life, leading up to being 20. I'll try and keep it simple and try not to forget any vital things.

1. Get used to the word no. You're going to hear it a lot. Sometimes no matter how many times you try or how hard you work the answer could still be no, you could still fail. That doesn't mean you suck at whatever you are doing, it just means it wasn't meant to happen for you right now, and there's always a reason. It's like the saying, "When one Door closes, another door opens". Receiving a no may just be a path to a yes. Don't beat yourself up when you receive a no. No's are a part of life...Get used to them.
2. Be kind to your body and respect your talents. You know my life passion is singing... I love to sing. Earlier this year I found out that I was developing nodules on my vocal chords and it was hampering my singing ability to a massive extent and it still is. And it's all because I wasn't listening to my body. I partied, I was around smokers, I drank and all of those resulted in me losing my voice at least once a week and when I did I would not rest my voice, I'd push through it and keep singing and shouting. Thankfully we got it in early stages so it's not the end of the world, but now I've been set back all because of my own stupidity. Respect your body, it's a temple and you only have one, you cannot replace any body parts, so be careful what you do with it.
3. Be fearless. What is fear anyways? It's an excuse, an excuse to get out of situations or changes we are not ready for. We keep ourselves from living and experiencing so many things in life because we are scared. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Stop making excuses. Go be fearless.
4. Be true to yourself. Don't live your life for anybody else, or to please others. They're not the ones who have to live your life, you are. Its yours to enjoy. Do what makes you happy and you know what will happen? You will be.
5. People are going to come and go in your life, it's pointless to hold onto people if they are clearly not meant to stay in your life. Everyone comes into your life for a reason...some stay, others move on once they have fulfilled their purpose. Everyone you meet is either a blessing or a lesson, make sure you know the difference.
6. Be careful with your heart. It's inevitable that you will fall in love, it's also inevitable that your heart will get broken. Be careful who you give your heart to, some people are undeserving, some people are just reckless with other people's hearts and some are just confused...it's up to you to decide who is worthy of your love and heart.
7. Forgive. People make mistakes. Life is too short to hold grudges. If someone who is special to you messes up, forgive them. Just make sure you know who is worth your forgiveness, sometimes you're better off without those people.
8. Keep your eyes on your goal at all times. There's no time for distractions. Work every inch of your body to be the best that you can be...Put in the hours, fight to improve your skills, become the ultimate you.
9. Family first. They're the one group of people who are forced to love you. Take advantage of that.
10. Change the things you can and accept the things you can't change. Be content with your present knowing that you cannot change the past...but the future. The future is yours to have. You can change it, mould it, make it the future you want, the possibilities are endless. Life is so short, make sure your story is one worth leading.

Okay that's just the tip of the ice berg of what I want to tell you, but it occurred to me if I tell you it all now, what will I write about in the future? I do hope you've enjoyed our letters, 16 year old me...I hope that somehow I have been able to make some sort of difference in your life by telling you about mine.

Live life while you're young, it only lasts so long.

Yours Truly,
20 Year old Nadine

Letter 12: Learning to be silent

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

So it's been an interesting week, I went to see the ENT specialist on Monday and he informed me that I was developing nodes on my vocal chords.But he assured me that it's nothing some heavy medication and vocal rest couldn't cure. So I spent my week on Cortisone tablets (8 a morning) and lots of water and no singing.

The real challenge came this weekend though, I was put on strict vocal rest for 48 hours straight. Anyone who knows me knows I talk... A LOT. But it was actually easier than I thought it would be. The hardest part was not talking to my pets... LOL you try telling your dog to go outside without saying anything. Also getting my mom to understand that I couldn't respond in conversations was also challenging for me.

I found that I was pretty chilled, I didn't expect people to understand me, because I wasn't using words. So when I needed to say something I had to find another way to communicate it. It was interesting, and the funny part was that people were getting more frustrated with my not talking than I was at not being able to make them understand.

I am normally the person who says everything that's on her mind, whether it's nice or not. If someone asks a stupid question I reply with a sarcastic answer. This weekend I could just ignore those stupid questions with great effort because there was no need to give a sarcastic or smart answer. It's so liberating. LOL. It made me realise that there's a lot of things that come out of my mouth that are unnecessary, things that I say that do not make anything better or help anyone's lives and if my words don't do that then what am I doing but wasting my breath?

I'm not saying you should go out tomorrow and refuse to speak to anyone, I'm saying "monitor the words that come out of your mouth" are they good words? How will they make people feel after I say them? Do I absolutely need to say this? A lot of the time you'll find that the comments you want to make are better kept to yourself.

I remember when I was in Primary school they did a talk on bullying. The lady did a demonstration using a tube of toothpaste which she emptied. She said that it was easy to get all the toothpaste out but impossible to get it back inside the tube, she taught us that it's the same with words. Once they're out. They're out.

So before you speak, think about it. Is this something I want out in the world?

Goodluck :)
Oh and Happy New Year :)

Yours,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 11: Looking back on this year

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I know I've written to you a lot about how much 2013 sucked for me. But it wasn't all bad. It was actually one of the funnest years I've had. I mean I'm 19. I can go where ever I like, drink what I like and party. I Got a job which I love and I'm studying what I love. I've faced a lot of experiences this year that have forced  me to understand some things and learn from them.

I was going to get into every little experience, but that's ganna take the fun out for you when you get here. Just know that everything that happens to you, good and bad has a reason. You're meant to learn from everything that happens. Nothing is in vain. Knowing this doesn't make the bad times better, but it sure as hell makes it easier. The only way out is through. And once you make it through...You're going to look back at the year and realise how far you've come.

That's what I'm doing now. And I'm proud of myself. I thought I'd never survive losing the guy I loved. But I did. And here I am. Stronger and ready for whatever life has for me next.

You're strong. And you're independent. You don't need anyone else to drive you, you're self driven, and that's whats going to get you through the worst times of your life.

Keep your friends close though. I mean it. You're going to need those guys when you get older. They're literally the foundation that keeps you steady when all you want to do is fall to the ground.

You've got a lot of living ahead of you the next few years. But I'll tell you a secret.

You survive.
Because you're a survivor.

Just keep looking forward and keep your eye on the prize.

Merry Christmas and Happy New year

Yours,
19 Year Old Nadine

Letter 10: Dreams are important

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I remember when I was your age, young and really confused about where my future would be going...I  always dreamed of being a singer and performing all over the world, but I also always thought I'd go to University and study something like Accounting or something that guaranteed an income, you know?

I always put it off though, not making a proper decision in high school, but eventually in matric, I had to make a decision about my future. I had gotten into UCT and into The Waterfront Theatre School. UCT was were all my friends were going. WTS would be myself and two other people from high school, but I would have gotten an opportunity to do what I love everyday...Sing, dance and act in one place. So I decided to choose WTS.

It's been a year now since I've left high school and started the next phase of my life as a student. And All I can tell you is, it's been challenging...I've had my passion tested and attacked day after day. But at the end of the year all I can say is, I have no regrets. Because despite the sore and painful nights I've spent trying to massage my muscles after dance classes or nights I drank nothing but rooibos tea in hopes that my voice would be okay for my assessment in the morning, I loved what I was doing and that has made all the difference. I haven't wanted to give up once, when I got knocked down, I found a way to get around it and to make it work for me.

My point is, if you love something, the amount of effort and work it takes to get it wont affect you. Loving something and being passionate about what you're doing everyday is all that really matters. Sure I understand the whole "You cant make money in performing" argument, but from what I've seen, if you're absolutely passionate about something, it will show in your performance and the money will come.

I'm not saying you should drop everything you've got going on to chase the dream...but I do believe we owe it to ourselves to try. If you believe with every fiber in your body that you can succeed, you're probably right.

Go get them dreams, 16 Year Old me.
It'll be worth it, I promise you.

Love,
19 Year Old Nadine