Letter 19: Things are changing

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

When I turned 18, people kept telling me how thin I was getting. And it was great, at first I was offended, because I never considered myself fat before, but when I looked at old pictures I had realised that I had lost some baby fat. So that was awesome. I was eating whatever I liked and I didn't have to pay the price for it.

Then I started studying dance full-time and I got even thinner, I finally got the confidence to wear crop tops and shorts all the time. It was AWESOME.

Then a few months ago, I noticed my clothes were a bit tighter, but still fit, especially my jeans and shorts etc. And I turned around to look in the mirror to find an ass. I was quite happy to actually have a booty, my body was balancing itself out which was something I had wanted for a while...

It was a few months later when shit hit the fan. I was sitting on my knees and I looked at my calves and you wouldn't believe what I saw....
CELLULITE!!!!!!!

OMG. I almost had a breakdown. I was googling up all the causes of cellulite and how to get rid of it. One of my searches included, "Does having cellulite mean I am fat?" The answer was no, to my relief. Turns out lots of women have cellulite, I was just lucky enough to only receive this right of passage at 20. But now instead of using my gradual tanning moisturiser on my legs, I have to use Firming lotion, but it smells nice so I guess thats cool.

Why am I telling you this story, you ask?

Well this ordeal made me question what I consider to be beautiful and okay in a woman. I've always been the kind of girl to say "Big girls are beautiful.", "Be confident in your body", "Love yourself. But I realised that I was being a hypocrite without knowing it, because the moment I had a hint of fat my confidence went to zero. Which is stupid.

Media keeps telling us whats beautiful and what's not. Superstars are only really made a focus in pop culture when they are near being stick thin. And that's not okay. It makes us normal people think that we should be thin to be accepted in society, and that is not true. The people who love you won't care if you pick up 5kg in the space of a month.

I was speaking to a girl, that was overweight, about her insecurities. She said that she hates being called fat and that it really hurts her feelings. A few weeks later we had another conversation regarding an overweight celebrity and she was being horribly rude about how fat the woman was and how it didn't look nice. And that baffled me because she knew exactly what it was like to be judged by the way she looked yet she was doing the EXACT SAME THING.

Whether we admit it to ourselves or not,
we are all a bit shallow.

But your body is yours. Take care of it, eat right and exercise and you should be happy with it. Whether you're big or small find the confidence to accept your body, There's nothing more liberating than accepting your body. Or if you don't like it, don't sit around complaining about what you look like, get out there and fix it. No one else will do it for you.

Women just need to stop body shaming each other, it's silly and unproductive.
And 16 Year Old Self, just a reminder for four years time: Cellulite it okay.

Yours,
20 Year Old Nadine

Letter 18: Fall in Love

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I remember at the beginning of my 16th year, I thought I knew what love meant and what it was like to really love someone...but I was wrong... I only learned what it was to love by the end of that year. When you're young you're gonna mistake a lot of things for love, infatuation is the biggest culprit of this. As the years have passed and I enter my 21st year, I've spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to love somebody. There's no set rules saying what love is or what it's meant to feel like, if it was it would be a great time saver and it would save us all some heartache...

I measure my love for someone on how sad I'd be if I lost them. I don't cry for anybody...So if I cry for someone, you know they are close to my heart.

When I was younger I didn't know what kind of love I deserved, but I have come up with a pretty solid idea of what I want and deserve from love and therefore it has made dating hell, because I've been searching for something so specific that not anyone could fill that void in my life. So you may ask me what my point is, 16 Year Old Self, my point is that I'm going to share what you should look for when falling in love.

A guy who thinks you're the most beautiful human being in the world, not because you're superficial, but because you need someone who only has eyes for you and that you always feel like you're good enough for. A guy that makes you melt when he looks at you because you fall in love with the way he looks at you. If he loves you he'll make you feel beautiful, he'll make you feel flawless without needing to say a thing to you

But it is important that you fall for someone who loves your mind, who understands you without needing to explain your point. A guy that listens to your crazy ideas and smiles because you're cute, who sits and listens to your dreams, your fears. A man who knows you well enough that as soon as you give him a certain look when you're uncomfortable around friends, he comes to your rescue.

You deserve a boy who comes over when you're exhausted from a long trip and all you want to do is sleep, and he sits and strokes your hair as you sleep on his lap. A man who watches all your girly series with you and takes you to watch chick flicks. But find a man who challenges you, makes you rethink your opinions, forces you to see things from a different perspective. Fall in love with someone who makes you want to be a better person because you look at him and see the potential for such amazing things. The type of guy that makes you think that if there were more people like him in the world, it would be a better place.

Love is about knowing when to give each other space and when to interfere. You need to find a guy who is good at this, and he won't be at first, this comes with really knowing someone... A guy that isn't insecure about you not spending time with him, that likes your friends and that loves having them around and seeing you with them.

When you are in love with someone you are not afraid to get mad at them or argue with them because you know that they're not going anywhere. That's not an excuse to treat him like shit though, but you need someone you can have passionate fights with because that's part of a healthy relationship, when you're fighting it means you both care.

So many people think that when you're in love you need to tell your partner everything, that you have to know every single thing about them. I don't believe that is true. When you're in love you are going to have secrets, things you don't feel the need to tell your partner, things that you know that if he found out it wouldn't be a problem but they're still your own little secrets. If you knew everything about one another, there'd be no more adventure. 

Every love cannot strive without trust, and your partner may flaw, he may break your trust over and over again, we are only human. But love is more forgiving than anything else in the world. So please be careful that you don't allow your love to cloud any judgement, I always believe in forgiveness but do not give people the chance to hurt you again...or do. Do it a hundred times. Because when you are in love you're going to do things that people will call you stupid for and judge you because they may not understand your feelings... but always love...always trust love. Getting hurt is a small risk you take for falling for someone, it's up to you to take it.

You deserve roses, as cliche as that may sound, and romantic dates, but when you're in love, you'll know that none of that matters.. you'll be happy just to spend every Friday night alone in your room with him, and that would be considered the most romantic time ever.

This is just a small list and I could write forever about what it's like to fall in love and what it should be like, but you need to figure it out for yourself. Start your own love story and as scary as it may be, fall in love. Over and over again. Always choose love. Honest, passionate, magic love. Be crazy for love, be crazy IN love. And find a man who is crazy in love with you... he's closer than you think 16 Year Old Self, in fact...he's right under your nose. Just trust your instinct.

Till our next letter,
20 Year Old Nadine

Letter 17: Moving forward

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

People coming into your life for many reasons, and being human we fall in love, start trusting people and we give them the opportunity to potentially hurt us. And majority of the people you let into your life will. Human's are unpredictable and at times selfish and we can spend countless hours trying to figure out why people behave the way they do, but unless you've lived their life, been through their trials and tribulations you'll never really understand them.

When you let someone come into your life and get to know them, you enter a scary place, a vulnerable place and the closer they get to you, the bigger chance you have of getting hurt by them. But it's the risk you take with people. You have to decide who you think are worth getting hurt over and invest in those people.

I've been hurt, you're going to get hurt, countless times. You are going to have your trust with the people closest to you broken over and over again. And you're going to go through a phase where you feel like you can't trust anyone else again. You're going to feel bitter about your life, you're going to feel resentment and anger towards those who hurt you and you'll eventually have to decide whether you're going to allow those feelings to control you or if you're going to find a way to work through it.

If I can share any advice with you let it be this, forgive them. Forgive those who have wronged you and hurt you. Not for them. For you. Because if you don't, you allow those who hurt you to control you, to control the way you view life and anyone who hurts you does not deserve that power over you. You can allow such events make you bitter who you can learn from it and let it mould you as a person. Be the bigger person.

Revenge?
Don't waste time on that, because you'll only end up feeling worse. You're an adult when you look the person who hurt you in the eyes and you feel no feelings of hatred or resentment towards them.

I fully believe in second chances. But only second chances. I've broken that rule a million and given people third and fourth chances and you know what it ended up the exact same way every time. If people make the same mistake twice, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice. And if someone chooses to hurt you, they do not deserve to be in your life anymore.

You're going to find yourself on both ends of the story in your life, sometimes you'll get hurt, sometimes you'll do the hurting. Forgiveness is the only way to move forward. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, you're human, you cannot beat yourself up over something you cannot change.

Until next time,
20 Year Old Nadine.

Letter 16: Pain is temporary

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

In your 19th year of life, you feel the need to get a tattoo. You get your first on your wrist, it says Fearless. Two months pass and you feel that you are ready to get that sentence you've been wanting as a tattoo for as long as you can remember, it says What is meant to be will be, it finds it's place on your hip.

A few days ago, while in the shower I was looking at my tattoos. The one on my wrist wasn't that painful, it was more ticklish than anything else. The one on my hip? That was a motherfucker, excuse my french.  But that's when a little life lesson blossomed upon me: It was painful to get the tattoo, if I had decided that the pain was too much and backed out, I wouldn't have the tattoo today. And now when I look at it, I feel no pain. I remember the pain I went through to get it...But I don't feel it anymore.

That's because pain is temporary. The Lesson, or the impact that pain leaves is permanent.
 I learnt that first hand last year. I went through a rough patch in my life, it was painful and I honestly thought I wouldn't survive... But I got through it...And When I look back at that period of my life now I feel no pain, no sadness and most importantly...No regret. That part of my life, made me the woman I am today. And not to toot my own horn or anything but you grow up to be a strong, independent young woman, who makes mistakes. It sometimes takes me a few times making the same mistake before I learn, but I learn in the end. The thing is, pain always has a reason. Nothing is in vain especially not pain. (Rhyming like a beast)

You know when you get hurt and you start to bleed? That blood usually results in a scab. You can allow that scab to heal and when it is completely healed, the scar left behind is very faint almost invisible. Or you could pick at that scab, open up the wound so many times that eventually you are left with a huge scar. Life is the same, You need to allow yourself time to heal...The more pain you put yourself through, the harder it is to forget. What I've noticed is that a lot of the time our pain is self induced. You need to ask yourself, why you're hurting and can you do anything to stop it? If you can, why don't you?

Don't give anyone else the power the put you through pain, you control who can hurt you. Anyways, I seemed to have diverged. My point is, whatever you're going through, as painful as it may seem, its not going to last forever. And one day, I promise you it's going to be a painless memory, the kind that makes you say, "Damn, look how far I've come since then."

When you're 16 you go through a heartbreak, one of many in your life. It's not the first and it won't be the last...But when I look back at that time in my life, the good memories outshine the bitter ones, the joy over rides the pain. Pain is something that's in the moment, the pain you're feeling now? That's temporary.

So hang in there.

Yours,
20 Year Old Nadine

Letter 15: Your Own Best friend

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I remember my matric year, in the middle of studying for my final exams feeling sorry for myself. I hated the fact that my life was being controlled by subjects I didn't like but had to pass to have some sort of future. I remember telling myself that if I just got through those exams, then next year I wouldn't ever have to feel that way again...I'd be free to do what I love and study things that I am passionate about.

It's safe to say that I was in shock when I started college. Being pushed into the dance major stream because I "had potential" for dance, and got to do Musical theatre as a side thing, whenever my dance schedule allowed for it. It's taken me a year and a half to realise that I am in the same head space I was in during my matric year. Studying, trying to excel at something that isn't my natural talent. Don't get me wrong, I love dancing...But it is not my first love. Singing is my first love. And because I had to focus so much on dance the past 18 Months, my singing has taken the backseat. It's horrible.

Anyways, let me tell you about life as a dancer. My 2nd year class consists of about 7 people this year, each has their own strength in dance. Majority of them have flexibility for days and talent pouring out of their ears. I don't mind not being the best in a dance class, I know that I am not and I also know that I have much room for improvement. And I know that since the beginning of last year I have shown a crazy amount of improvement... but for what. My teachers still look at me like I am wasting my time, year after year they tell me that I shouldn't be in that class, that I should be doing something else. And they're right. I should be doing something else, but I know that doing higher dance levels will benefit me more in the future when I leave for the industry. It's just hard when you feel like nothing that you do is good enough. Because I work my ass off, I am in class everyday and I know my stuff, yet I still get treated as the outcast student. It sucks.

Okay you're probably wondering why I am giving you all this depressing news about my life. Well here is the reason: I've realised that I am the only person who is gonna have my back. I'm the only person who can motivate myself to do better, to keep moving forward. No one else is going to do it for me, everyone else is too busy trying to move forward with their lives. You need to be your own best friend. When times get tough you need to dig into yourself, into that deep place within and remember why you started, remember where you're going and most importantly remember how you are getting there. Because this journey is yours and yours alone, you are the only person who can carry yourself to the finish line. You can lie down and give up where you are, and let the others lap you or you can push and try and do everything in your power to move forward.

No one can change your perception of yourself, and no one can take your dreams away from you. Whether it's exams, horrible teachers, sports, friends, work etc getting you down...You have all you need to push through.

No one knows you better than you know yourself. You know your limits, you know your strengths, and work with them.

Your best friend,

20 Year Old Nadine.

Letter 14: Some friends are forever

Dear 16 Year Old Self,

I've written to you a lot about how much your friends change over the years and how many people you are going to lose along the way but I don't think I've ever mentioned that some people stay and are here to stay for good.

People are either two things; a blessing or a lesson. After high school I felt as though all my friends were going on different paths and that us staying in contact was highly unlikely... but a few of my friends did. And it's great. We may not see each other every day, sometimes we go months without seeing one another, but when we do hang out it's as though we never stopped seeing one another. Conversations are effortless with these friends because they know you and your past, they get you.

Now I am all for making new friends, although I am so bad at it. But a lot of the time we crave people who actually know us and our history without us having to explain our entire life stories, and thats when you need your old friends. 

Your friends are always going to have your back, no matter how many times they screw up or you screw up, some people will just stay in your lives whether you want them there or not. Your friends will understand when you're busy at college 24/7 and don't have time to talk or if you spend too much time with your new boyfriend and barely hang out with them, because they're happy you're happy.

I am more than grateful for the friends who have stuck around in my life and it's so great to see the amazing women and men they are growing into. There's something special about growing up with someone... Going through the phases of life with them. Treasure the friends you meet when you're 16, you're going to experience life with these people and it'll be awesome.

Choose your friends wisely, they might be around for longer than you think.

Yours,
20 year old Nadine

Letter 13: Two decades later

Dear 16 Year Old Self,
Last week was my, our birthday and although you stay 16 in my letters, I have aged up. I am now 20. Big, scary 20.

When I remember what I thought my life would be like at 20 I cannot help but laugh at how naive I was as a child. I had this vision that by 20 I would have my own place, my own job and car and be entirely self sufficient, I'd stop by my parents every Sunday to visit and live with friends of mine in town. But life has a funny way of changing plans, especially unrealistic ones. I still live at home, I have a part time job but still rely on my parents for food, pocket money and petrol for the car my parents bought me. I just got a laptop and a brand new phone, also gifts from my parents. All in all, it's safe to say that I am FAR from self sufficient. And Surprisingly, that's okay. None of my friends are self sufficient either, I mean how can they be? Because believe it or not, at age 20...we're more of a child than we ever were growing up.

Okay sure we've got a bit more responsibilities, we're entering adulthood. Some people are taking out loans to study or buy a car. A lot of people I know are balancing jobs with their studies and they live alone so they have to make their own food and do their own laundry. It's things like that that make me grateful for the life I was born into. Life has been somewhat easy for me.

But being any age after 18 and before 30 is play time for a lot of people. We're partying, living the life. Drinking, going to trance parties. Most of us can drive which means we have a whole lot of freedom. It's great.

Anyways, I did not start this letter to tell you about being 20, this letter is to tell you what I've learnt in my life, leading up to being 20. I'll try and keep it simple and try not to forget any vital things.

1. Get used to the word no. You're going to hear it a lot. Sometimes no matter how many times you try or how hard you work the answer could still be no, you could still fail. That doesn't mean you suck at whatever you are doing, it just means it wasn't meant to happen for you right now, and there's always a reason. It's like the saying, "When one Door closes, another door opens". Receiving a no may just be a path to a yes. Don't beat yourself up when you receive a no. No's are a part of life...Get used to them.
2. Be kind to your body and respect your talents. You know my life passion is singing... I love to sing. Earlier this year I found out that I was developing nodules on my vocal chords and it was hampering my singing ability to a massive extent and it still is. And it's all because I wasn't listening to my body. I partied, I was around smokers, I drank and all of those resulted in me losing my voice at least once a week and when I did I would not rest my voice, I'd push through it and keep singing and shouting. Thankfully we got it in early stages so it's not the end of the world, but now I've been set back all because of my own stupidity. Respect your body, it's a temple and you only have one, you cannot replace any body parts, so be careful what you do with it.
3. Be fearless. What is fear anyways? It's an excuse, an excuse to get out of situations or changes we are not ready for. We keep ourselves from living and experiencing so many things in life because we are scared. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Stop making excuses. Go be fearless.
4. Be true to yourself. Don't live your life for anybody else, or to please others. They're not the ones who have to live your life, you are. Its yours to enjoy. Do what makes you happy and you know what will happen? You will be.
5. People are going to come and go in your life, it's pointless to hold onto people if they are clearly not meant to stay in your life. Everyone comes into your life for a reason...some stay, others move on once they have fulfilled their purpose. Everyone you meet is either a blessing or a lesson, make sure you know the difference.
6. Be careful with your heart. It's inevitable that you will fall in love, it's also inevitable that your heart will get broken. Be careful who you give your heart to, some people are undeserving, some people are just reckless with other people's hearts and some are just confused...it's up to you to decide who is worthy of your love and heart.
7. Forgive. People make mistakes. Life is too short to hold grudges. If someone who is special to you messes up, forgive them. Just make sure you know who is worth your forgiveness, sometimes you're better off without those people.
8. Keep your eyes on your goal at all times. There's no time for distractions. Work every inch of your body to be the best that you can be...Put in the hours, fight to improve your skills, become the ultimate you.
9. Family first. They're the one group of people who are forced to love you. Take advantage of that.
10. Change the things you can and accept the things you can't change. Be content with your present knowing that you cannot change the past...but the future. The future is yours to have. You can change it, mould it, make it the future you want, the possibilities are endless. Life is so short, make sure your story is one worth leading.

Okay that's just the tip of the ice berg of what I want to tell you, but it occurred to me if I tell you it all now, what will I write about in the future? I do hope you've enjoyed our letters, 16 year old me...I hope that somehow I have been able to make some sort of difference in your life by telling you about mine.

Live life while you're young, it only lasts so long.

Yours Truly,
20 Year old Nadine